Kamia | Storytell{her}

Originally posted on wheniamher.blogspot.com:

The first time I saw her I remember seeing different parts of her ‘beauty ingredients’ sprinkled in numerous women around me.  Some of the women I knew personally and others I had encountered for a short moment sometime in my life.  Either way, I admired and adored each of these women.

The first time I encountered my her and all her characteristics wrapped up in one being–I was awe-stricken!  It was the hot summertime of 2011 in Warner Robins, GA.  She was sprawled out in the middle of my luxury apartment living room floor.  She was gazing up at the ceiling, beaming as if she had won a million dollars.  There was nothing materialistically glamorous about her.  She was laying in a nearly empty apartment, no makeup, simply styled kinky hair and wearing denim capris and a plain tee.  Yet something about her was STUNNING.

It was the smile she wore that was so beautiful!  Her smile was as illuminating as a Chinese lantern.  She lay there beaming and singing, “Mighty God, Mighty God, yes He is a Mighty God…”

My life at that moment was finally starting to calm down.  It was the two-year mark of my life in the state of Georgia.  I had just started accepting the idea of never turning home to Oregon.  I had finally arrived at a point in my relationship with my mother-in-law where I was no longer scared of the almost child-like person her dementia had made her change into.  Finally, I was coming to terms with the storms I had weathered and the person God chose me to be, both physically and mentally.

But let me get back to her.

She carried herself confidently, proudly, lovingly, happily and freely!  I could tell she was a woman of God.  I saw her taking life on full force.  She grasped every and any storm that came her way with an I can do anything type of attitude.  She lived with no excuses.  She meditated numerous times a day on God’s promises, found in His word.  Wow!  This woman lived lovingly, independently and with no excuses!

This her I am talking about was very different from who I was.  She was courageous and she wasn’t constantly critical of herself nor her loved ones.  Being genuinely joyous and having confidence in her physical and mental self was an awesome trait she held.  The word no inspired her instead of discouraging her goals.  Her attitude was surrounded by the wisdom of knowing God’s love for her.  Thus, the lack of anyone else’s love did not matter.

It was so overwhelming to imagine myself becoming or being like this woman.  For over twenty years I had become accustomed to and modeled crazy and negative behaviors.  It was like being forced at gunpoint to give up the only person I had ever known.

In early summer of 2011 I was forced/suggested to attend counseling by one of my dear loved ones.  I was in the third trimester of my pregnancy with my fourth child (and no, I wasn’t hormonal.  It was truly a rough period in my life).  I was in a foreign land (the south) and having severe panic and anxiety attacks left and right.  I was barely tending to my personal hygiene needs, refusing to be anywhere where there were people, crying numerous times a day and being very verbally abusive to those dearest to me.  I hated life and myself.  I was questioning God’s very reasoning behind my very existence.

Let’s just say I was a mess!  I was living in the world of Woe Is Me.

My counselor told me at one particular session that I was a beautiful young lady at the core but that I needed to clear out the gunk that was preventing that part of me from shining.  I remember her asking me, “When is enough going to be enough, Kamia?”

This question was my aha moment.  It was here that I started my journey to her.

After being prescribed and grudgingly taking ‘happy pill’s for two months, I began to discover the her my counselor was talking about.  I knew it was her by the genuine smile she illuminated and the laughter that bellowed from her belly so often, coming from the depths of her soul.

God started me off on this journey with a jolt of medicine but he did not leave it that way.  He sent two different prophets (that did not know me from Peter or Paul) to tell me it was time to step away from the medicine.  I was thinking, Really God?  It was sweet and sour news to me.  I was scared of losing her again.

It has been some months now since I have taken medication and I am happy to say that though I still struggle from time to time, I am a much better her these days.  I am no longer that abused, abandoned, angry, sad little girl in which I had carried around all those years.  I refuse to live in a Woe Is Me world ever again.  I have met her!  She inspires me!  When I slip up and let the old characters and habits return, I now know how to at least conjure her up again.

I know I will have become her when I am able to look into my mental and emotional mirror and fall in LOVE with the image.  It won’t be a mirage.  I will actually be able to embrace her and kiss her for all the teamwork that took place!

Love,
Kamia

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